"The E-mail..."

It was Monday morning (January 17^th) and Joanne tells us that she has a meeting on Friday that will hopefully finalize our placements, therefore we should have an e-mail Friday (January 21^st) telling us where we will be going… Which is all fine an dandy in that she has already told us the number of people that will be going to each place… 3 people to Uganda, 4 people to Kenya, 3 people to Dominican Republic, 2 people to India, and 2 people to Argentina. To me this information was both exciting as well as nerve racking… The excitement was that now we could determine all the places we weren’t going, but that still leaves all of these other places that we had opinions about and had either ranked as high or low ‘priority’ on our request forms for placement options. My form marked 1. Africa*** for place, 1. Living with a family*** for living arrangements, and 1. Working with children in counseling as by placement option… These stars did actually exist on my placement form, so it is evident that I had already put a great deal of emphasis on going to Africa and living with a family. Having already been to Africa and sharing this with the class I had thought, this is the experience I want from the Beyond Borders program, I want to go to Africa and have this experience of integrating into an environment that is seemingly so different from our own. The only thing I didn’t consider was ALL the other factors of how our placement is chosen by Joanne, based on our personality, what we have expressed we would like out of our experience, how far we can be pushed outside our comfort zones, amongst other things. So I had it in my head that Africa was the end all to be all, that how could I be chosen for any other placement… well I had put Africa on a pedestal that I unconsciously thought no other placement could EVER top the experience I would get from Africa. What I wasn’t considering was all of the amazing things the other placements would have to offer…

Well wouldn’t I then be surprised when I got ‘the e-mail’ on Friday… I knew I had a lot going on that Friday and also had begun to realize the pedestal that Africa stood on so I had come to the realization that I needed to be with someone I knew could handle the process I may go through if I didn’t see “you will be completing your placement in Uganda, Africa” or something along those lines. So I was smart and waited until I could open the e-mail with my boyfriend on Saturday morning.

The butterfly's were going crazy in my stomach and I made the choice to scroll slowly and read the ENTIRE e-mail (just as Joanne had instructed) before reading where I was going… and then the line “You will be going to the Internat women and girls home in Ternopil Ukraine. You will live with a family.” The butterfly's were gone and my expression went blank, Chris says “do you know how beautiful the Ukraine is?” while 1 tear runs, and then 2 tears, and then the whole Niagara starts to stream down my face. My heart was broke, I was instantly disappointed in what I was reading. The instant reaction was nothing even close to excitement. I tried to look up the placement organization, I was looking up pictures and begun reading about the economy, the government, the population, anything that would give me a reason to be happy (or maybe even make me hate the idea even more). My emotions were like a rocky wooden roller coaster. I walked away from the computer in utter disappointment with no idea of what to do next. Then came my process…
  

My idea was that this could not be any further from the experience I wanted with the Beyond Borders program. The experience I though I wanted was being a minority and having the experience of coping with that, living with a family and taking in as much of the culture as I possibly could, living in an extremely impoverished country and experiencing that hardship – living in a Developing country for 3 months. So to me a placement in a country in Europe was none of those things. A country that has proper medical personnel, houses with running water and electricity, people with TV’s and cars, children who attend school, the history of buildings – I was going to be living in a Developed country for 4 months. To me this means people who are well enough off that they don’t need my help. I understand that even the most developed countries have their hardships. But I was wondering what good I could possibly be doing going to the Ukraine…

Then I began to go through a process of discussing all aspects of my feelings, my reaction, what I knew about previous placements, what I knew about current placements, the type of person I feel that I am, etc. This discussion occurred both with Chris and then my parents as these very important people gave me their opinions and played devils advocate and told me what they knew about the country of Ukraine. Telling me about the corruption of the government and how huge sex trafficking is in those parts of Europe… these things began to trigger different feelings and ideas, as well as making me reflect on what I knew about this placement from previous years. I went from being disappointed to seeing that Africa was the easy choice to choose on my placement request, Africa wouldn’t have been a challenge (although I thought it would be) I think about it now and realize that I have roughed it in Africa and the experience I would have gotten in Africa wouldn’t have been challenging. The Ukraine will be that challenge I want in my experience with Beyond Borders, living in a country where I don’t know the language, and all of the other aspects of this placement that I am sure to be challenged by. I look now and I can be excited about the potential challenges that I will face on this placement. The things that I will encounter will be nothing like what I was anticipating with Africa. 
   

Although I am excited, I still have many questions about this placement and how the choice was made. Questions about how this placement was the best fit for me and what challenges I may face while I am there.

I realize now that I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, and that even now, I need to be open to the potential for change! So many things could happen between now and May. So this experience has definitely made me reflect more on my own expectations and how not to get overly invested in something that could change down the road, also that setting things on a pedestal can only lead to disappointment if those standards are not met.